Sunday, April 17, 2011

Small Miracles

I'll be honest. I struggle with a bad attitude. I spend my life taking care of young ones. There is ALWAYS a to-do list longer than my entire life. With a husband, five kids and a fixer-upper of a house, I simply can't do all of the things that need to get done around here. From time to time, it REALLY gets me down, and I feel like a failure in every single aspect of my life.

I know that really I have a great life. I have a husband who is truly my best friend, I have five healthy kids. I have my health, I have the gospel, and really what more can one person ask for. More often than not, I'm okay, but from time to time, the responsibility of it all gets to me. I have some serious ambitions of my own and almost no time to work on the things that I want to learn to do. I crave solitude and time to work on my music. Okay, I'm rambling...

Sometimes my attitude just down right sucks. One night a week ago or so, I was having a particularly bad night. My list was just weighing on me, the house was messy, the two littlest kids just wouldn't go to bed, and I was frustrated and mad, mad, mad. I was wondering if I would ever be allowed to do the things that I wanted to do with my time. I was in a bad, bad, bad state of mind, and I just could not stop feeling put out, stepped upon, unappreciated and no end used.

I went to my room in tears and not knowing any other way out, I turned to prayer. The thought "cast your burdens on the Lord" came to my mind. In tears I told the lord that I just could not stop feeling this way. I just couldn't do it on my own. As I asked for help, really wanting to stop feeling so mean inside, it was like I could literally feel those bad feelings leaving one by one. Where there had been a long list of things that I had wanted to complain about, now there was nothing. I'm sure that I could go and dredge up every one of those feelings again, and feel all of that nastiness again, and to be honest, I have from time to time. But for the time, they were just gone. It's a testament to prayer and the Lord's ability to lift burdens.

Okay fast forward to today, when I am once again a jerk. Clayton kept me up much of the night last night, I had neglected my scriptures, and I was just exhausted in every sense of the word. I can't tell you how much I depend upon church to help me feel better, to give me a new sense of perspective, to point me, and to give me the energy to keep on keepin' on. Let me diverge slightly for just a second. You always hear women in the church saying how much they love Primary (the classes for children ages 3-11). I have spent the vast majority of my adult life involved in teaching Primary in one capacity or another, and to be perfectly honest, I just haven't really felt that way. It's horrible. I stink! Maybe that's why I just keep getting called back to Primary, or maybe that's all I'm fit for, I don't know. I tend to feel like I get my fill of little people in my regular life. When I'm not in Primary, I really enjoy Relief Society (the class for women 18 and up). I feel uplifted and like I finally have a little bit of time to spend with grown up women. In R.S. the classes are geared to me, and I soak it up. In Primary, the classes are geared to little children, and to be honest, the last thing I feel like doing is dealing with more little people. It's completely horrible, I know. I shouldn't have such a bad attitude, but I really struggle with these feelings.

ANYWAY, I am SOOOO rambling today. Feel free to not read my stupidity. So when I was called away from my beloved R.S. a few months ago to teach the Sunbeams (3 year olds), I was honestly less than thrilled. (I'm so going to hell!) I go every week, and I do my best, but I just don't look forward to it. Today I was tired physically, spiritually, and I felt like I could really use a boost. I just did not want to teach my class today, and I prayed for the Lord to help me once again stop feeling that way. I begged the Lord to feed me spiritually.

On to my class I went, just wishing to be somewhere else. My lesson was about how we are thankful that Jesus made birds and insects. I just did not want to do it today. Feeling tired, I closed my manual, and took the kids outside to look for some real birds and insects. The weather was beautiful, and bam right there in the parking lot were two geese. They let us get within about six feet of them. We talked about how Jesus made the birds, we listened to bird sounds. Then we saw some real live bees collecting nectar. We talked about how the bees made honey and helped the flowers to grow. It was actually a fun lesson. I actually enjoyed my primary class!

Oh and if you actually held on through all of my drivel this long, you deserve this funny thing that happened in Primary today. As he was coloring today, Brady, one of my three year olds, decided to "write his name" on his picture. "B-R-A-T. That spells me!" he says. Lol! I told his mom (my cousin Brooke who is also in Primary), and she jokingly said "Well that's about right."


Anonymous said...

You really do ride yourself harder than you need to! There is nothing wrong with you and nothing wrong with hating kids. For serious. Ok call it being temporarily exhausted of kids. This is perfectly normal. Cut youself some slack, because no one else is going to. You are doing fine. Better than fine. Your kids are all very happy kids, or so it seems to me and that counts for alot. Glad your minor miracles worked out. luurve ya!


timpani76 said...

Why don't I ever get called to primary? I get sick of kids. I hate other people's kids sometimes too. I'm just not as cool as you Renae, just admit it ;)

lizS said...

dude, i hate primary, lol! small children under the age of, like, 12 or 13 i never know what to do with. i've only been in primary twice, i did better the second time, but really, especially at first, i hated it. towards the end of the second time i was starting to enjoy it, and understand my six year olds better, but you are definitely not alone here. and there is something my mom taught me which was that everything has it's time and season. not much solace sometimes, but i guess my point is that eventually the complete emersion in little ones will pass, you'll have that time you want/need to develope your own talkents instead of nurturing the ones in your children. in the meantime, it sounds like you need to carve yourself out some time here and there for only you, be it a girls' night, or just getting out of your house by yourself, or getting rid of your kids and husband and having some time to yourself at home, for balance. to keep the crazies away. good luck, and i got your back if you need it!

JG said...

Go outside the book. The lady here that does that class always starts with the birds, flowers, etc and then later int he year gets to the heavier stuff. Then for Christmas she bakes sugar cookies and they have them in a basket. She dresses the kids up like shepards (loosly) and they go to all the classes looking for hte Christ child. When they find a baby they give them a cookie. Any size baby. It's so cute.

JG said...

And you definitely are not alone.