Mothering

Mothering is just the strangest phenomenon! It's like ... getting mauled by an overly loving, cute as a button, HUGE, disobedient puppy dog. You appreciate the love and the cuteness of it all, but at the same time, you need some space. That's not quite exactly right, but... I can't find the right words.

On the one hand I positively CRAVE solitude and quiet moments, and time to work on things that I want to learn to do. You know you might be a parent when you find yourself taking your time on the toilet, because you know that's the only time when everyone is at least supposed to leave you alone.

On the other hand, I seem to have lost the ability to truly enjoy any time away. Any time I actually DO get away, it is always tainted by a little twinge of guilt, and a small wish that the kids were there with me.

The kids just started back to school, and OH BE JOYFUL!!! I am loving having a routine back! I never feel like a good parent during the summer. I feel like all I do is yell, and tell folks to turn the darn TV / computer off. There seems to be a fight to be broken up every two seconds, and somebody needs something from me every blessed second of the day, and I NEVER have a minute to myself, the kids are BORED, and I just turn into a mean, frustrated, horrible ogress!

I love having a reason to make the kids get up and get dressed. I love having something to do. I love getting into a routine for bedtime again. I love when the kids come home from school, and we can spend some time together in the evenings. I actually feel like I have a reason for the things that I do. I love that now I have my piano time back. But most of all, I love that Clayton takes a nap, and I can have some peace and quiet!

The down side is that Justice is now in Kindergarten. I've been looking forward to when I finally get all of my kids in school, so I can go back to school. I positively ACHE to learn! I LOVE school. BUT... every time a kid starts school, I miss my little buddy! It's never quite the same again. I miss each and every one of those 3 and 4 year old kids that have left me to go to school. As much as I want to go back to school, I don't know if I can take not having a preschool kid here with me. Come to think of it, I don't want to do it at all. I don't want life to change like that. I can't believe I'm actually SAYING THAT!!! But it's true. I miss Clayton already, and I still have two more years with him home. I guess it's a good thing to realize that right now. I miss my Justice, I miss my Mark, I miss my Ross, and I miss my little Lydia. Life will definitely lose a little of it's magic when I no longer have a little one to share it with. Sigh... I'm a bit pathetic, you know.